HELEN SUCCESS

How has your upbringing Affected Your Expectations of People?

On this episode of The Misanthropic Life (TML) the two hosts discuss a question posed by psychotherapist, author and speaker, Esther Perel.

“Were you raised for loyalty or autonomy?”

They discuss how they were raised and how it has affected their social narratives in different contexts such as education, government, religion, work, other people’s expectations of them, relationships/friendships and even brand loyalty.

In the caption of Esther’s original post she explains how each person grows up in a relational culture — at home, school, in communities as well as within a larger political, social and economic system — which underpins the beliefs we have about what to expect from people.

Raised with the idea that relationships are central, you are likely to have the ability to engage with loyalty and collaboration. Raised with the idea that relationships are secondary, you are more likely to be the person who does everything themselves.

It is to the latter script I relate. I have implicitly, yet aggressively, been raised for autonomy. Relationships are secondary to me not because I was the centre but because I learnt through experience that I can only rely on myself, as Esther elaborates in her social media post (see below).

This does not mean I am selfish, and to some extent my upbringing has made me a people-pleaser, but I like to be left to my own devices when I can not be of positive, functional service.

^^ Click image to listen to the podcast episode ^^

Posing the idea of a loyalty-autonomy spectrum, the TML hosts discuss how loyalty and autonomy by definition are not the opposite of each other and one is not bad and the other good.

They also discuss the very real analysis that unfortunately loyalty can at times be crippling and come with a lot of emotional baggage, but it is important to know how to switch between loyalty and autonomy with integrity and good intent.

The Misanthropic Life is a podcast on which “two millennials, struggling to understand their increasingly divided and ever-changing world, discuss society, culture, technology and the pressures these forces are exerting on the individual today.”

Follow the podcast on Twitter: @MisLifePodcast
Visit the website: misanthropiclife.com
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You can follow Esther Perel on Instagram: @EstherPerelOfficial and below is the original post.

View this post on Instagram

Were you raised for loyalty or autonomy? Each of us grows up in a relational culture. At home, at school, in our communities, and in the larger political, economic, and social system that we live in. We all carry narratives and beliefs about what we can expect from people. . These narratives form the lens from which we look at our relationships at home, and at work as well. So take a moment and think about the messages you may have grown up with. Were you raised with the idea that relationships are central, or more so that relationships are secondary and peripheral? In the first script, you are taught that relationships are at the heart of our life. There will always be someone to help you because it is safe to trust. If that is your script, you likely have the ability to engage with loyalty, and to engage with collaboration. . If you are raised with the idea that relationships are secondary because you are the center, or because in the end, you can only rely on yourself, then you are often more likely to be the person who does everything themselves. We don’t magically become different people when we enter the door of our office building. Our personal experiences seep into our work lives. . 🎥 My @sxsw talk, What Business Leaders Can Learn About Workplace Dynamics from Couples Therapy, is now available online. Click the link in my profile bio to tune in. #SXSW2019

A post shared by Esther Perel (@estherperelofficial) on Mar 10, 2019 at 10:40am PDT