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Phoenix’s Lover | Based On An Excerpt From A Beautifully True But Toxic Love


What you let go may return but that does not mean it is yours


Phoenix Flower: Just1Snap (Flickr)

“There is only one God,” Phoenix stated. “At least we agree on that,” her lover mumbled. So just how many things did they disagree on? Her regal lover did this frequently and Phoenix tried to ignore it but she would ask – every time – she needed to know if those always audible but always incoherent utterances were passive-aggressive comments, pertaining to her.

Even when her lover confirmed that they were not, Phoenix would convince herself she was bound to commit some form of emotional crime soon – even if she hadn’t that time. So Phoenix proceeded to police her actions, afraid to display yet another flaw, as she let her unprecedented lover into the life behind the version of girl they had appeared to become enamoured with.

“There is only one God,” Phoenix stated. “At least we agree on that,” her lover mumbled. Both of them were very aware that they reached God in different ways. Phoenix had never prayed hard, frequently or sincerely enough; had been less than humble and had willingly sinned. She and her lover believe there is only one but reach God in different ways; like religion, they support the notion of one God but within varying foundations and almost identical but such different journeys.

Maybe Phoenix and her lover had chosen to believe they are reaching out to the same God but of course the possibility that they are not exists, by default. For a lifetime, Phoenix had been blindly trapped in a place that haunted her life; the way she now reaches God – slowly but surely – shifted her into a place in which she is untouchable. Freeing herself from an innate obligation to please people, everlasting efforts to alter her behaviour to accommodate others and the solitary self-deprecation she still finds to be her biggest battle.

“There is only one God,” Phoenix stated. “At least we agree on that,” her lover mumbled. Phoenix found her mumblings to be symbolic, she already knew that her lover was going through an internal battle, one Phoenix had faced herself in a different way. The only; born of a pastor, she wondered if her lover ever sensed that the bible had been forced upon her in an almost cult-like manner.

Much like the history her lover probably never wanted to drag up, Phoenix started to keep home truths like this to herself. She had already said too much and shared too much with her lover – too soon. Phoenix empathised with the nature of her lover but could not completely comprehend it. She lost the will to keep herself from a mental relapse awaiting the verbal and energetic connection she required but she had already laid herself bare, most of her now in the hands of her lover.

“There is only one God,” Phoenix stated. “At least we agree on that,” her lover mumbled. Phoenix had given too much, so she created space when her lover asked for it but then her lover did the unthinkable. A whirlwind of words to offer understanding – too much for Phoenix, just a little late – who feared she would only add to her lover’s scars. The lover who claimed not to need anything from Phoenix, who in turn did not believe this. Her lover must want something, maybe not a specific one but a reaction all the same. Otherwise why share all of these things in such a flurry – in the name of space?

Phoenix had always been enthralled with the diamond-like glow of her lover; her lover transfixed by the way Phoenix smoulders. They had become immediately inextricable, perhaps too soon; drawn to each other by the isolation they both endured, sometimes by choice. Phoenix had inadvertently placed her unprecedented lover front and centre of her world and she knew this had to stop – they were happier unlinked.

Not willing to compromise any more, her lover wouldn’t be able to read it but Phoenix was relapsing – stifling parts of herself to accommodate for her lover. These parts of herself fighting within her and what she was getting in return wasn’t quite enough. Phoenix had warned her lover from the outset, on occasion she would likely need space to burn but her lover did not oblige, dampening the embers of their love.

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